I can hear the snails moving

The thing is that, the husband’s down under and I am home alone in this double level house. Well, not exactly alone, for I have Milo and Tito with me, and so are the snails and squirrels in the garden. But you get the idea. And also, since I work from home, I am basically still not that alone during the day because the students whom I am tutoring come back to back one after another till the late afternoons. Yes, no life. Them, not me. Tuition during the Dec hols.. bahh. But I digress.

Anyway, what I meant to say was, in these quiet days on my own, in which I have plenty of time to spend with ‘myself and I’ to reflect and contemplate, so many thoughts come to mind. Things that I don’t usually have time to think about because there are always something to do. After teaching, run the translations company I co-own (with whatever work there is to complete) and then cook dinner. When the husband comes home circa 7pm/8pm, it is couple time, as we decreed it to be, so no work or whatsoever until around 11ish when I usually retire or read and he continues with his work/writing or he reads himself.

Now that I am alone, although for not even very long to begin with, I began to realise things about myself such as:

1. I don’t do well in loneliness. Probably having been born into a huge large extended and communal family, I have never been really ‘lonely’. And more often than not, I grouched about that fact because the secularized education and the exposure to the western culture my generation was exposed to by tv made me yearn and crave that happier lil brother of loneliness called ‘privacy’. But NOW that I have all the privacy in the world, why am I not enjoying it?

2. I am afraid of myself more than anything else. My mother spewed her ‘tak takut ke tinggal sorang-sorang kat rumah‘ rendition. I don’t feel the fear of being alone in the house, but I fear of what I become when I am alone in the house i.e sloppy/lazy/junky/ill-disciplined. The house is already messy and I don’t even care and that scares me.

3. No matter how much I really want to strangle him at times, how much he annoys me at times and how much throwing him on the dojo mats felt sooo good as a pay back to whatever things he irritated me with, like socks all over/books all over etc, I kind of feel lost without my other half. You see, cliche as it may sound, he’s my best friend. ( I want to add soul mate too, but that would push the sappy mode to far here ;p)

Ok enough already. I’m on course the whole weekend in Shah Alam tomorrow morning and because my driver husband is away, and no one to drive me to and from our place to the course venue, I booked myself into the hotel where the course would be conducted at. That’s another reason why I miss him. Personal chauffeur, mann!


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