12.30 past midnight and we just reached home. My right shoulder blade is injured. It is less than a month to the aiki.camp in Jakarta and I still cannot do my ukemi properly. I got so frustrated just now to the point I wanted to cry.
I got frustrated that each time I do the ukemi, I feel the pain. And in aikido, if one feels any pain during any technique, he/she is definitely not doing something right. So I am definitely not doing something right. The saying ‘no pain, no gain’ doesn’t work in aikido, it seems. If I feel pain, then I am not doing the right thing, and hence I am not gaining anything.
I even had to be excused from the main class, for my own solitude training of the ukemi. And that was the greatest ego crusher that can ever happen, what with the whole class then knowing that I was at the side of the classroom because after all these 3 years, I STILL cannot do my ukemi properly–yet.
During my 5 min break, it suddenly dawned upon me that I am not doing the proper ukemi because I am afraid of falling. But why was I afraid to fall? The dojo mats are thick enough for me not to land and break any bones in a crushing way. So why?
Was it my conditioning? Am I that afraid to fall because I have been brought up with the notion that falling means failure or that falling equates to injury? Hence that even in a situation whereby falling down gracefully and getting up again immediately seems a task too difficult for me to achieve because I am too afraid to fall in the first place?
I have fallen many times, both in life and on the mats of the dojo. But I still cannot shake off this fear of falling. And this has to stop. Otherwise, I won’t survive Jakarta in one piece, and that is something to really fear.