Fall now, please

12.30 past midnight and we just reached home. My right shoulder blade is injured. It is less than a month to the aiki.camp in Jakarta and I still cannot do my ukemi properly. I got so frustrated just now to the point I wanted to cry.

I got frustrated that each time I do the ukemi, I feel the pain. And in aikido, if one feels any pain during any technique, he/she is definitely not doing something right. So I am definitely not doing something right. The saying ‘no pain, no gain’ doesn’t work in aikido, it seems. If I feel pain, then I am not doing the right thing, and hence I am not gaining anything.

I even had to be excused from the main class, for my own solitude training of the ukemi. And that was the greatest ego crusher that can ever happen, what with the whole class then  knowing that I was at the side of the classroom because after all these 3 years, I STILL cannot do my ukemi properly–yet.

During my 5 min break, it suddenly dawned upon me that I am not doing the proper ukemi because I am afraid of falling. But why was I afraid to fall? The dojo mats are thick enough for me not to land and break any bones in a crushing way. So why?

Was it my conditioning? Am I that afraid to fall because I have been brought up with the notion that falling means failure or that falling equates to injury? Hence that even in a situation whereby falling down gracefully and getting up again immediately seems a task too difficult for me to achieve because I am too afraid to fall in the first place?

I have fallen many times, both in life and on the mats of the dojo. But I still cannot shake off this fear of falling. And this has to stop. Otherwise, I won’t survive Jakarta in one piece, and that is something to really fear.


5 thoughts on “Fall now, please

  1. Percicilan,
    I’m sorry about your shoulder injury. Hope your injury will heal soon. Speaking of fear of falling, I had the same experience when I was learning to roller blade many years ago. And ohhh…yes, I fell many times on my butt, I wish they had buttpad.
    Last week I read American Shaolin. The first half of the book, the author wrote about his fear of getting hurt. One day, his coah, monk Chen pulled him aside and asked him, was he afraid of getting hurt because of his past experience? If you have time please read the book. I think you’ll like it.

  2. Thanks Kak Siti… I will try to find the book.
    And kak siti.. i tak run lah.. i briskwalk hehe and yes I still do it.. 🙂

  3. Miss P, hopefully your shoulder recovers sooner than expected.

    Oh, for once I get to wish to see a friend fall, without feeling an iota of guilt! LOL! So…
    Its the only way you can rise and rise yet again.
    Until lambs become lions. heh.

    Reading Siti Aishah’s comment kinda jolted my memory of how I learnt to roller-blade too. The first thing I was taught – after securing our wrist guards and knee pads – is to fall frontwards! I remember thinking “how so very weird!” You don’t expect to go to a class to pick up skills on how to fall, coz you were hoping that you’d be trained to master the sport quickly enough, so that you DON’T have to endure the pain of falling. But then realised that I became much more confident blading, when at the back of my mind I knew that, even if I did fall, I had learnt the right technique of falling to minimise the pain. Knowing that itself, was a critical turning point for me.

    All said, good luck! 🙂

  4. Thanks Pat.. nanti kalau aku dah boleh jatuh sampai tak jadi nangka busuk, I will let you see.. hehe for now, it is an embarressing fall tak stylo langsung!

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